A Mother's Life In Disappearing Autumn

Monday, October 18, 2004

Dear Family/Friends,

My heart is heavy, and I have much to say, but very little strength to say it. Sadly, this will most probably be my last post. Treatment has ceased, and my time here is very short. It is important for me that you know I love you. You are all so important in my life, and in the overall scheme of life. Each of us has a purpose, each of you, have a purpose. You have brought so much joy into my life. I have been blessed, I am blessed.

Thank you for all the support and prayers you have showered us with. They are very much appreciated. I humbly ask that you continue them, as this journey, not only for myself, but more important to me, my family, is very difficult. I have been blessed with my loving family as primary caregivers, until just recently. Hospice has been called in. This transition is not easy, but we are all doing the best we can. One would think and hope that Hospice would relieve my families load, there is little if no relief. I am reminded of when our Sara was dying, I am saddened that my family must endure this, yet again.

In the 59 years I have lived, I have been blessed, I have experienced so much. I can tell you that I know what it feels like to be married to and share my life with a wonderful man, for 42 years. To be committed to a man that always encouraged me to be true to myself, and my needs. Ben completes me. Our love, his love for me is such a gift. I know how it feels to be a preachers kid, and as a child, have dinner with needy strangers, that my parents so graciously invited into our home. My parents were wonderful, kind, caring people. I know how it feels to have a sister that I could mother (even though I am sure she did not always like that) and share my life with, that I can and could always count on for my needs. I am blessed. I know what it is like to be called ' Mom ' and watch our daughters grow and develop into the beautiful, women that they are and were (both inside and out). I know what its like to watch your daughter with her daughter, and be so proud that there are no words that could describe this. My girls, all of them, have been such a gift, such a beautiful gift. I also know what its like to lose a child, both suddenly, and our youngest, whom battled the same beast as I, to watch her suffer in pain, and pray that her pain end, and later carry the heavy burden of guilt of this. I know what it is like to have family and friends whom we could count on in both good times and bad. They rejoiced in our good times, and prayed and always willing to lend a hand in bad. I know how, and what it feels like to laugh, to cry, and to just be. I love my life, and all it has entailed. I am grateful for all of you in my life, for all of my experiences, and life lessons. Thank you, all. Thank you, God.

I have learned that life is not just about joy, but also sorrow. It is our sorrows that pave way for greater joy and appreciation for life. It is our sorrows that remind us of our own mortality. What defines our life is not how much gold we have, but how much love we have known, have experienced, have embraced, not only with your family and friends, but more importantly, yourself and God. Without self love, you risk the chance of allowing true love into your life, and without God, well, we have nothing. I wish for you all, love. I wish for you all, a kind, loving relationship with God, yourself, and your loved ones. I wish you good health, peace, and whatever your heart craves.

The Lord's Prayer

I urge you to follow your heart, in all your affairs. Our heart is a trustworthy barometer to righteousness. True righteousness varies for all of us, for each one of us are unique, each of us has value, each of us has a purpose or purposes, some unknown to us. Every experience, challenge, every joy we have is precious. Our strengths, our weaknesses, are not a mistake. I urge you to find your purpose, to learn about yourself, and your loved ones. If you follow your heart, you will know what is right for you, and what is wrong. It will serve as a test, at times. What is right is not always easiest, but I have learned that following your heart is key to living a full life.

Life's Lessons

I have not included a song on this post. I would like to ask that you listen to your favorite song, that you take time today, tonight, just for you, with no phones ringing, no distractions or worries occupying your minds. Free yourself of all worries and concerns, and listen to YOUR favorite song, artist. Embrace these few moments, let the music, the words travel thru your ears into your hearts. If music is not your choice, read a passage out of your favorite book. Do something special for yourself tonight. Try to incorporate not only tonight, but every day, time for yourself, and for your loved ones. Because all of the plans, all of the commitments and ' stuff ' that fills our lives, is only as good as the gratitude that we feel around it. Life has a way of happening, while we are busy making plans. The end of your life comes so quickly. The certainty of life is that everything will pass. This, too, shall pass.

Thank you, for taking these precious moments out of your life to read my post. Thank you for being in my life, for laughing with me in good times, and crying with me in sad. Thank you, for being you.

God Bless you All,

Shar

Kay blew the autumn leaves at 3:03 AM 23 comments
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Thursday, October 14, 2004

Mom,
If you don't like the changes, please let me know. I couldn't find exactly what you meant by "chat box." Could tagboard be what you meant? I know the dark background isn't something you like, but this is what I could find that would make the photos right. I will work on making it a different color when I get back. If you post before that, just make sure to put it bold white like I have done.

Readers, notice that there are a few small changes. If you notice any links missing, please just e-mail me @ this address. { asps@berlin.com }. Comments are not working right now, this will be corrected soon. (Comments are now working as of 4:00) Also, if the person who has the "chat box" that Mom is talking about (is reading this), please leave a message telling me what you have used.

Thanks.

Shelly blew the autumn leaves at 2:17 AM 2 comments
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Saturday, October 02, 2004

This is going to be a pleading post. Be warned.

As you all know, it is October 1st (err, now the 2nd). This officially kicks of the annual Breast Cancer Awareness month. Most of you are familiar with it due to the pink ribbons, charity events, and numerous reminders for each woman to remember to schedule a mammogram among other items. I believe that all cancers should have an awareness month, each should have equal attention so that we can conquer this disease. However, there are only 12 months in a year, but there are more than 500 types of cancer. It leaves little time to acknowledge all. I know that each of us has been affected in one form or the other by some type of cancer. Some of us have family members who lost against the war on cancer, some of us have friends who have been touched, some of us are fighting our own battles with various types of cancer.

If we are ever going to find a cure for this, we need all of the "awareness" we can get. Not only to breast cancer(s), but also for ovarian, brain, lung, bone, kidney, and a host of other cancers. These too need awareness, prevention, and early care. Today, as you read my post, I ask that you also remember the many types of cancer which take lives each day. All of them need awareness just as much as breast cancer does. These cancers take loved ones away, rip familes apart, destroy marriages, break hearts and shatter dreams. I plead of you, please be aware of them, I know I am.

Facts:

Every 13 minutes a woman dies of breast cancer.

Breast cancer is the second
cause of death for of women between the ages 35 and 54.

Every three minutes, a new case of breast cancer is diagnosed.

Breast cancer is the leading cause of cancer death for women between the ages of 40 and 59.

75% of all breast growths, whether malignant or benign, are discovered during self-breast examination.

The smallest detectable lump is about 2-3 mm and could contain approximately one billion cancer cells.

In 2004~ An estimated 215,990 new cases of invasive breast cancer will be diagnosed in the United States and an estimated 40,110 women will die.

Scary facts, I know. The truth is this is the disease that will take me away from everything I love. This is the disease that will rip my family even farther apart. This is the disease that will destroy my marriage. This is the disease that will make me just another statistic very soon.

What’s my purpose in telling you all of these facts that you will hear repetitively for the next month? To save just one of you. I am begging you . . . do self exams, stay up-to-date on your mammograms, have a yearly physical . . . do whatever it takes to prevent statistics from rising in 2005.

This is the month that you are supposed to remind your friends to schedule a mammogram . . . however, I know that not everyone can find the money to do this for various reasons. I am offering you something here . . . if you can’t afford to have a mammogram done (there is a host of reasons, I know. Just to name a few . . . lack of insurance, money for co-pay, follow up visits, etc.) . . . I am offering to pay for your mammogram this year. No cost to you. I will cover all expenses, if you will just have this done. Why am I offering this? If it saves just one of you from going thru the hell I am going thru right now? It would be entirely worth it to me. (To take me up on the offer, send an e-mail here, and we will work out the details.)

One last closing thought . . . pass this reminder to your friends and family. Remind them each month, do a buddy check, do whatever you have to do to stop this disease (as well as every other terminal cancer) from taking another mother away from her family and friends.

Sharbeans blew the autumn leaves at 7:26 AM 2 comments
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Sunday, September 26, 2004

Post 3 of 3. (The other 2 will come on Monday and Tuesday evening.)

This is not an easy post for me to write. It most likely won’t be an easy post for anyone to read, but it needs to be said anyway. Many heartbreaks have occurred in the past few weeks . . . tonight I will share some of them with you. Perhaps it will make previous posts easier to understand and perhaps it won’t. Maybe it will make it easier for me to do what I have to do or maybe it won’t. Whatever it is . . . it needs to be heard. Once it is heard, we will never speak of the subject matter again. Here goes nothing and everything all wrapped up in one.

Recently, some of my posts have been elusive but yet direct. Several of you have e-mailed or asked me "does this apply to me?" or "who is this for?" or "whomever this is for sounds deserving of your anger." Tonight, we are going to clarify a few things. By the end of this post, you will know the who, the what, and the when. The why? I still haven’t figured out. However, I think many people are mistaken and some are actually being told some wrong facts about the whole issue. I will do my best to help you sort out what I know.

Normally, I speak on a condition of anonymity about my friends and family, meaning if I don’t have their permission to use their names or tell something, I don’t do it. Point blank. I believe that if you trust me enough to speak with about your thoughts, you are deserving of my respect to keep them private. That has, for the most part, carried over to my blog area as well. I have respected the rights of my friends and family and have never said anything without direct permission. Tonight, going against all I have ever believed to be right, I will be divulging information that needs to be said.

Pam* is a person I met over a year ago. I met her online in a grief chat room. She came into my life at a time that I was needing someone to understand me, after Sara’s death. She came into my life at the same time as a few other people, people I have grown to love and cherish. She helped me tremendously during some very difficult weeks. She, along with that select group of people, nurtured me, held my hand as I fell down time and time again, and stood by me as I began my own battle with the beast. Her strength helped me to hold on when all I wanted to do was fall, her patience gave me faith, her peace after her own loss gave me hope.

I am sure you are wondering what could have happened so bad to a relationship with a person who sounds so amazing. What happened is this . . . she came into my life when I was very vulnerable. I needed someone to lean on, someone to tell me it would be ok, someone to show me how to face the loss of something so precious. I found that all in Pam. She quickly became a close friend, a wonderful confidant, someone I loved very much. Each day, our friendship got stronger and my admiration, respect, and love for her grew more. As I got sicker and more treatments began to fail, it was Pam who shared with me her own battle with the beast. She could attest to each of my feelings, understood me in that avenue as well, and supported me as we searched for a treatment to sustain me.

Pam and I spoke with many of the same people. We chatted in the same room for several months, then moved onto an Instant Messenger. As it is with many online relationships, some of our cyber friends drifted off for one reason or the other. Some messaged me to give me some warning: "Watch yourself with Pam. Don’t let her hurt you. She’s going to hurt you." Over time, I noticed that Pam began to tell me things about some of our friends. She was so convincing that I believed they were going to hurt me, that my life would be better off without them. Slowly, I began to wean myself from the people who had helped me so much in previous months, our mutual friends. Over the course of a few months, there was a large distance in many of my relationships. In most cases, I no longer spoke with our mutual friends and didn’t communicate with them for any reason. I knew that to some degree Pam still did speak with a few of them, but she always told me it was because of her position as a Host in the grief chat room because most of those people still went into the room and she had to be cordial to them.

What I didn’t see at the time was that Pam was slowly guiding me away from many of the people I loved so much. She single-handedly convinced me that she was one of my only true friends, that she was looking out for my best interest and that she loved me. Somewhere during the midst of this, I began to realize that there were MANY things Pam had shared with me that didn’t add up. Not only about her own battle about the beast, but about her losses, her friendships, her education, her financial status, her family . . . well, pretty much everything. I began to investigate some concerns and the results were shocking to me.

Nearly everything she had ever told me was a bold-faced lie. When I look back on the day that I let my concerns be known to her, I can’t remember what the breaking straw was that led me to that point. Perhaps it was when I realized that each time something happened to me, within 48 hours, the exact same thing happened to her. Perhaps it was when I realized that she had lied to me about her recent graduation and PhD. Perhaps it was when she told me that I could no longer speak with our friend Donna, if I wanted to save my relationship with Pam.

Now for those of you that know anything at me, for that matter if you have only spoken to me once or briefly read this blog, you know that my love for Donna runs very deep. She is someone who I consider to be my best friend, an adopted daughter, a sister, an advisor, a teacher, and she fills many more roles in my life. Although I only met her a bit over a year ago, I feel as if I have known her my whole lifetime. I know she feels the same way. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for her, just as I would for my own girls . . . so when my relationship with her is put into jeopardy, I react strongly.

React, I did. I had all I could handle. I needed answers if I was ever going to be able to trust Pam again. The more I began to go over the events that had happened in the prior months, the more things stood out to me. I began to see how she pulled me away from the people who cared about me, how she fed me lie after lie after lie, how she played me for a fool. I demanded answers from her. Each question I had for her, she came back with an excuse. Soon the conversation took a nasty turn, one where she told me how selfish I was for pushing everyone away, how I could never be satisfied, and then she began to bring names into the conversation. Marla, Kelly, Vanessa . . . the list goes on. All people that she encouraged me to distance myself from and looking back on it now . . . all the same people, who told me to watch out for her vindictive ways.

I did not heed their words . . . my heart and head were in conflict at the time, I couldn’t hear my heart. How could this person whom I had trusted and who had helped me with my grief, hurt me so? Since that day, everything has come into the light. Her true colors were shining thru, and left me black and blue. My heart was crushed but relieved that it was over, I no longer needed to listen to her lies.

While I realize a blog is open to the public, this web site, built for me by my Shelly, has served to bring me much peace, and the ability to share with you (those I love most in the world) my thoughts and most INTIMATE thoughts as well as updates on Ben and our family. Recently, I began to get some odd e-mail(s) and even more odd comments left on here. It took me a bit to figure out what was going on.

Unbeknownst to me, Pam has been passing this site onto others (in particular the people she encouraged to me to separate from), which has brought forward feelings of having your diary read as a teenager . . . it’s an invasion of my privacy. Those people feel hurt that I didn’t continue a relationship with them, some of them even have expressed to me that they believed I had passed on, they want to know why I carried on a relationship with Pam and not them. Petty? Yes. Understandable, certainly given how Pam turned out to really be.

All of this has triggered many feelings that I had previously put to rest, all requiring more energy than I have physically or emotionally have to give and quite honestly, more than I feel that I should have to deal with at this stage of my life. Blog messages from her continue, and I feel tormented, just tormented, by her actions. Due to her reckless abandon in passing around my site address, I now have to deal with people who want answers and rightfully deserve them.

I am praying this helps to answer some of their answers. Innocent, sweet people like Marla, have questioned themselves as well as my love for them, because of my last post. I realize now I should have named the villain . . . (Marla, if you are reading this? I do love you, thank you for your prayers, and thank you for understanding that I want to spend this part of my life with my family... you will always be in my prayers.) The others. . . they will never know how truly sorry I am to have made this horrible mistake in judgement of someone’s character. I am saying all of this to say this:

Pam, I suggest you pay attention here . . .

Since it is very clear you have sort of vendetta for me, I am going to make this very simple for you. Boil the damned rabbit, will you? Fatal attraction at this time in my life isn’t helpful, so please step back and stop leaving messages like the one you left a few nights ago. I am not bitter, but I am pissed. Big difference. You want to continue to come to this site, time and time again? Fine. You are free to visit whatever site you wish. However, if I find out you gave one more person this site, I will be forced to go to a higher step of making sure you don’t torment me any longer. One more e-mail, one more blog comment that somehow is linked back to you? Every lie you ever told me will be posted here for the entire world to see. This is not a vindictive threat. This is a promise.

I've learned much through this experience. My time, your time, it is just too short for this. I've learned that the journey of grief will take you places that you never wanted to go, and darker corners than you could possibly find your way out of, so any hand in the dark is welcomed. I’ve learned that I should never ignore the cries of my heart. It is always correct. I’ve learned that I don’t know everything. I’ve learned that people are not always what they appear to be and sometimes it takes you a very long time to find this out. I’ve learned that even when you are so angry your blood boils, the tears of sorrow still roll for a relationship that once was. I have not the time to spare to indulge in examining my mistake in character judgement. I have forgiven myself for this and I pray you can find it in your heart to forgive me as well.

*Pam:Name has NOT been changed to protect the innocent as she is as guilty as guilty can be.

Sharbeans blew the autumn leaves at 8:52 PM 1 comments
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Monday, September 20, 2004

Good evening.

Tonight’s post is once again different from most. This will be a post answering most of the questions you all have e-mailed me. It also touches on some other issues. Tonight I need to talk about the stirring in my soul. I need to just vent. I need for some of you to hear me. I also need you to know that I having some help in typing this and in composing this, because in all truth, I can’t right now. I can’t put my fingers to the keyboard and make those thoughts. I can’t sit up long enough to type it and I most certainly can’t do it without sobbing. I must make this clear before I begin . . . if this applies to you? Take it to heart. Learn from it. Accept my reasons and know that I am doing what I need to do. If it doesn’t apply to you? Understand that I am trying my best to make my needs known without singling anyone out. Here goes . . .

It has recently come to my attention that several people are reading this site each and every day. I would like to tell you that I am honored that you return over and over again to read my words, send your well wishes, and follow my journey. Thank you. It also has come to my attention that some of you have come to this site via word of mouth. Please don’t get my wrong. I am happy to have you as a reader if you are a friend of our family.

With that said, I must stress this to you. If you were personally given this site by myself, a member of my family, or with my permission, you should not take offense to anything you read here. If you weren’t given this site willingly . . . there is probably a reason. You may not like what you read here. You may have questions. You may not understand. That may be why you were not given the site in the beginning.

It could also be that what is contained here doesn’t really apply to my relationship to you. It could be that we have grown apart. It could be that I was tired of you not understanding. It could be that I was tired of having to explain my choices to you over and over again. It may be that I plain can’t trust you anymore, that I grew sick of your games, grew sick of your whining about your lovely little life, when in fact you are so blessed you can’t even see it. It could be that maybe I wanted to die surrounded by people who I knew loved me, for me. Perhaps it could have been because this is truly the most intimate time of my life and I want to share with those I love, those who love me, those I can trust. You may not be one of these people.

Perhaps at one time . . . you were one of these people. Perhaps my heart is so overwhelmed for love you that I can forgive you for your horrible actions toward me. Perhaps at one time, you helped me to see life for what it was. I can never thank you enough for helping me and nurturing me, if this was the case. Somewhere along the lines all of that changed. Perhaps it was when I realized you were using me. Perhaps it was when I realized everything you ever told in our entire relationship was a lie, a false truth. Perhaps it was when I found out you took advantage of my generosity, played me for a fool, and told lies behind my back. Perhaps it was when I figured out you were only playing mind games and I just didn’t have the energy for that anymore.

Harsh? Yes. Needed? Certainly.

Do I still love you? Yes. Can we continue a relationship? No, it is far too late for that. Do I forgive you? I accept that you made choices that you felt were for the best, but I can’t find it within myself to forgive you, not yet. Someday, maybe I can. Right now, my heart hurts too much to forgive you. Does this make me any less of a person? Probably, but that is for God and me to work out. Are you welcome in my life any longer? No. I can’t trust you which means I can’t let you in my life again. You had one chance, but you knew that going in. You ruined it. Do I hate you? No, I just don’t like what you have done to our relationship, to yourself, or to my heart. You have ruined me for others. Because of you-my heart is slightly hardened, more cautious, less trusting.

Someone close to me told me this a few days ago (thank you, bully): "they say . . . I love you, I love you . . . they don’t even know what the fuck love is. Love is NOT pushing yourself down someone else’s throat or into their life, or the most intimate part of their life . . . love is NOT manipulating, unkind." I couldn’t have said it any better myself. Bully pinpointed love on the map for me. So many tell me that they love me, but how many truly love me? Do you love me enough to respect my choices without questioning? Do you love me enough to simply let me die peacefully? Do you love me enough not to make this any harder? I said my goodbye’s to you, can’t you love me enough to say it back?

I know some of you are going to take offense to this . . . and I think that says a lot about whom it is directed to. If this offends you? It may have been meant for you. Those that are in my daily life, both family and friends, those that I trust to speak to every day, those people will understand this.

I have faith in this.

I have so much more to say, but feel that those things will be better said in a separate post. Look for it later this evening.

Love to each. Peace to all. Goodnight.

Editor's Note (1:45pm 9/21/04): A note for uninvited visitors & their source(s)- Perhaps when it is your time to die, to say goodbye to those you love, have loved, and all that you know to be true (and not true), you will understand the need for detachment. Perhaps you will come to realize that actions, that are meant to ease your own guilt, or help YOU to feel better about what you are feeling, are best unsaid, and that in fact, one day, self centeredness will become understood, and replaced with kindness, and prayer. As hurt and betrayed as I feel right now, I still wish for you more compassion and respect than you've shown me at the end of my life. Perhaps someone will show you a kind, selfless act which will bring to light what I expected, and now am asking of you. May God bless you as you journey on the path searching for whatever it is that you are searching for. . .I pray you find it soon.

Sharbeans blew the autumn leaves at 10:56 PM 3 comments
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Sunday, September 19, 2004

Hello all,

A post is coming. It's in the works, I promise. For now, enjoy some snapshots, on me. Will post within the next 48 hours...stay tuned.

Have a beautiful day.

Goodnight,

Shar

Sharbeans blew the autumn leaves at 10:11 PM 1 comments
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The Precious Moment's Chapel is a few miles from us. This is just one of many beautiful fountains along that path.
Posted by Shar

Sharbeans blew the autumn leaves at 10:08 PM 0 comments
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This is NOT mustard art. Just needing to make that very clear.
Posted by Shar

Sharbeans blew the autumn leaves at 10:07 PM 0 comments
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For Jim. SpongeBob Squarepants candy! Long live the dig "n" dips.
Posted by Shar

Sharbeans blew the autumn leaves at 10:06 PM 0 comments
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Donna, this is for you. Picture of Orange his first days in our house. Look at those eyes...he knew he had my heart.
Posted by Shar

Sharbeans blew the autumn leaves at 10:05 PM 0 comments
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Another view of the falls.
Posted by Shar

Sharbeans blew the autumn leaves at 10:04 PM 0 comments
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One of my favorite places to go...Grand Falls, Missouri. Just stunning and a great place to sit and think. Truly brings you to a new sense of peace.
Posted by Shar

Sharbeans blew the autumn leaves at 10:04 PM 0 comments
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Saturday, September 11, 2004

Today’s post will be different from most. Perhaps it will touch you, perhaps it will anger you, perhaps it will make you fall to your knees and praise the Heavens for your blessings. I don’t know. I can only tell you that I am writing what is on my heart and will continue to do so for as long as I am able. I will do another post this weekend. For now . . . take care.

Three years ago, our lives changed in a manner we never dreamed of. Three years ago, our nation was attacked, our citizens killed, our future was uncertain. We all have those moments from 9/11 that we remember . . . where we were, who we were with, what we were doing when we first heard the news, and what happened to us in those first moments. September 11th, 2001 will go down in history just as the assignation of President Kennedy, the start of the Gulf War, and Dr. M.L. King’s assignations did, moments and days that are forever branded within our souls. Those of us that are able - will look back on that day in 20, 40, 60 years and tell our children/grandchildren about it, how much our hearts hurt, how frightened we were.

We all have those images of 9/11 that we can’t forget. For some, it is the image of NYFD firefighters standing upon the rubble of the Twin Towers. For some, it may be the image of the crash site in Shanksville, Pennsylvania. Perhaps it is a vocal image that you remember . . . maybe hearing the operator who relayed Todd Beamer’s heroic words "Let’s Roll."

Words that the nation remembers from 9/11:
"...apparent terrorist attacks"
"...a national tragedy . . . "
"...coordinated acts of terrorism . . . "
"Terrorism against our nation will not stand . . . "
"I'm afraid we can only imagine the terror and the carnage."
"May God bless the victims, their families and America . . . May God bless the victims."

Words my family remembers from that day:
"I believe Karen was on Flight 77. I don’t know what to do next."

Three years ago, unbeknownst to us, our daughter Karen took an earlier flight in order to file a motion and surprise her father for his birthday on the 13th. The last I heard from her was on the 10th when she told me she would be in Boston on the 13th to surprise Ben. At the last moment, she decided to take an earlier flight, file a motion, and arrive at our house one day earlier than expected, therefore surprising us both. Her story ends there. I had no idea she was on that flight, nor did I have any reason to worry about it because she wasn’t due on a flight for two more days.

So many things left unsaid, so many questions left unanswered. Did she know she was about to die? Did she make peace with God before it happened? What were her last thoughts? Did she know we loved her? Did she know we were proud of her? What was the purpose to her death? Will we ever have that answer?

Today our nation mourns the loss that occurred on 9/11 among the three crash sites. Our nation prays together, strangers weep together, and in general we pull together to support each other today. For our family, today is no different from the previous 1095 days. Our hearts grieve for the loss that occurred, our loss, your loss, they are all heartbreaking. Today . . . my prayers are with you, our extended family, as we remember what we will never forget.

Sharbeans blew the autumn leaves at 11:20 AM 3 comments
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